Man, this gig really sucks. I'm so busted I could just lay down. All I wanna do is chug some coffee and stare at the internet for eternity. But first, gotta upload a few Lord Farquaad memes to celebrate the boredom. Existence is a real circus, man.

This corporate ladder you see? It's just a staircase leading to Shrek's swamp

Sure, they tell you it's all about ambition, about scaling to the top and commanding your little kingdom. They paint a picture of success, but let me tell you, that shiny penthouse suite with its panoramic view? It's just another lonely tower in Shrek's swamp.

You're going to long days, meetings that go nowhere, and a never-ending parade of backstabbing coworkers. Your dreams? They'll get swallowed up in the mire like another unfortunate tourist who wandered into this wretched swamp.

• And don't even get me started on the dress code. You think your suits will impress anyone down here?
• Trust me, you'll be wishing for a good pair of mud boots

If ever you think about climbing that ladder, pause and ask yourself: Is this really what I want? Or am I just trapped by the system, only to end up like every other lost soul in Shrek's swamp?

Heading: "Important Meeting" - My Being: "Like an Onion, Shrek."

You know that feeling when your manager sends out an email with/about/regarding a meeting and the subject line just screams "urgency/importance/significance"? Yeah, well, my soul is currently experiencing something akin to a Shrek-themed onion. Layered with anxiety/dread/a healthy dose of WTF, each layer reveals/hides/uncovers another questionable/confusing/intriguing detail about the meeting's purpose.

Is it a performance review? A team-building exercise/activity/nightmare? Or, perhaps, the unveiling of a revolutionary/disastrous/slightly off-brand new company initiative? Honestly, at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if it was a meeting about how to best prepare for/survive/celebrate an alien invasion.

• I need coffee. Like, a metric ton of coffee.
• Maybe I should busy with something else.
• Will my soul ever recover?

This Spreadsheet Could Be Done Faster With Titan Power

Look, this spreadsheet is a real pain. I'm drowning in data and formulas, my brain is fried, and the deadline is looming like a hungry goblin. It would just need some serious muscle to get this thing done. I'm talking about the kind of power that only a superhero could muster. This ain't a job for your average office worker, this is heavy lifting material.

• Perhaps it's time to a squad of golems?
• This spreadsheet needs an atomic bomb
• I'm demanding a nap

Weekend? Nah, I'm Just Going Back to My Layer Cake of Papers

The idea of chilling out this weekend is just ridiculous. My desk is currently a fortress of documents, each one demanding my attention. Honestly, I'm more thrilled about conquering this tower of assignments than I am about savoring some Netflix. Maybe a Sunday more info marathon of caffeine and sorting is more my speed.

My 9-to-5 Feels Like Being Shackled to a Company Farm

I'm trapped in this office monster. Every day feels like I'm trundling along, just another donkey in the factory. I'm burned out from carrying this burden day after day. I long about finding a better life.

• Maybe I'll become a farmer and actuallyactually have animals that respect my labor.
• {Or maybe I'll learn a new skill and finally live on my own terms.
• {Whatever it is, I know I can't stay here forever.{ It's just not healthy.